There is a woman named Hope who left the Mormon church some years ago. Hope had three young children and a believing husband, who learning of her faithlessness, lost his love for her. They divorced and the children lived in Utah, as Mormons, even though Hope and her ex raised them in equal time. Hope's father learned of her apostasy and expressed disappointment often to her. Her brother and sister, also strong in the Mormon church tried to be tolerant, but they also told her she was making bad choices and they worried for her eternal soul. At family gatherings, the parents and siblings, with all their children and Hope's own kids, discussed Mormon events, doctrines, teachings, the lives of Mormon apostles and callings they had at church. Her father gave little testimonies to her children. She even over heard him quietly tell them to be strong, and to not follow their mother's "bad" example.
Hope felt saddened by how her family had judged her without actually trying to understand her reasons for leaving the family faith. She had tried to raise the questions that eventually ended her faith. She had explained her doubts to siblings. She had told her father that she wanted to leave religion aside and have a relationship without it coming between them. Every time she visited her parents, her siblings, the topics of church dominated the discussions and the events. Hope's family entwined themselves so fully in either business or career and church life, they talked about little else. In order to explain to her father, to her brother or her sister, Hope tried raising the questions, the issues and the historical problems of many gaps in Mormonism. They took offense.
Hope's children, however, did listen. They began to doubt. Hope's ex husband watched as their children developed their own views. Hope's father worried and his testimony to the children increased. She was called an "anti-christ" and told her lifestyle was inappropriate. Her siblings petitioned Hope to stop discussing her anti-Mormon views with her own children. One of her nieces went online to chastise Hope's involvement in the ex-Mormon community, calling her a liar. Her niece's parent applauded this and the brother in law joined online to also personally berate Hope. This same brother in-law went as far as having many conversations with Hope's ex husband about Hope's post-Mormon "lifestyle" and her "anti-mormon" views, and worse expressing a desire that God would stop Hope from hurting her own children. Hope learned that the ex used some of the information exchanged to fight in court to limit Hope's involvement with her children.
So centric stood the Mormon church in the lives of everyone around her that Hope felt more determined to explain how she felt to family. If only they would listen and understand why she left, to at least have empathy with her position. Yet, any "negativity" she raised only increased the hostility and the urges from her father and siblings to stop "deceiving" her own children about facts she had learned concerning church history, doctrine and even shady financial dealings. Meanwhile the family circled around their belief and unintentionally pushed Hope aside.
Hope felt isolated. At family gatherings, she felt like a ternary member, below even the in-laws and her own ex-spouse. They were all faithful. Hope was not. Her family treated her with some respect and over time, they grew to tolerate each other. Hope heard that some of her adult-aged cousins had increasing doubts about the church, and in order to feel a kinship on this account with some family, she reached out to them. Given they were adults who were studying, she didn't think it would be wrong to discuss it with them. Uncles and aunts, brother and sister quickly contacted Hope and told her to lay off these adult family members, and to respect the wishes of the family not to be bothered with "anti-Mormonism". Hope mentioned to some that they had involved themselves quite deeply in how she raised her own young children, how they bore testimony and made digs about her "choices" to her own children, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Meanwhile, Hope struggled as a single parent emotionally, financially, and had some health problems. Her family dismissed or ignored these because either their careers had continual urgent needs or their church callings kept them far too busy. When the family counseled about issues concerning the ailing health of her parents or the long-time family estate, Hope was barely considered in the early discussions. Her father grew old and they called on her and everyone to share equally in supporting him. Hope wanted to participate, but soon realized that the mess created was in part because she had been excluded for so many years, partly like a step-child who is never really part of the inner circle. Whenever she made a irritable comment or a less than tactful statement, her family used them as justification for why she was wrong and invalidated her feelings or concerns. Her imperfections proved their correctness.
She remembered when she had been near death in health problems, when she had lost her job, when she struggled with her ex's attempts at removing her parental rights, that most of the family barely acknowledged her struggles. Now they wanted her equal involvement when it came to financial contribution. Her sister, however told her that her views caused her father to sicken. That she would have blame if he died.
She remembered when she had been near death in health problems, when she had lost her job, when she struggled with her ex's attempts at removing her parental rights, that most of the family barely acknowledged her struggles. Now they wanted her equal involvement when it came to financial contribution. Her sister, however told her that her views caused her father to sicken. That she would have blame if he died.
Hope made plenty of mistakes in her interactions. Sometimes she was overly zealous in her ex-Mormon views. Sometimes she did not consider how the family view her. Sometimes she said things that hurt. Families do that. But then Hope realized something.
While her own close associates and family may not have viewed her at the level they treated their faithful members of the family--that she wasn't as moral; she lived inappropriately; that as a parent she corrupted her own children; as a sibling her views were suspect; as an offspring she was wayward and disappointing; as an ex-spouse she was no longer an equal parent but merely an afterthought--Hope felt saddened that her position was subordinate and always would be; that her struggles were foreign to those supposed to be closest to her; that the geographical, spiritual and emotional distance was a deep chasm she couldn't cross alone and that the others blamed her for digging.
Perhaps they had a point. Maybe she had dug the pit out of being raised with lesson after lesson infusing her with guilt for almost anything she did in life that was not canonized and correlated in priesthood executive committees. Sometimes Hope imagined eyes peering at her for every little mistake she made. Sometimes she ran away from those eyes into dark corners with drink and profane talk. Sometimes she felt the former chains so tightly wound on her, the chapel she'd escaped became like a morgue. Sometimes she lashed out at the indiscernible anger of losing her youth to lies and institutionalized greed disguised as religion. Sometimes she rubbed others the wrong way when she painfully dealt with the latent shame, the bitterness and the dread that the Mormon church had placed in her. Sometimes she screamed at learning how the so-called church had calculatingly abused her with psychological manipulations such as confirmation bias, ego-identity bias, outgroup homogeneity bias, estrangement or ostracization for leaving, and the double bind or inner tension from the dual conflict of being both special and sinful.
Especially the double bind—the special latter-day saint and most sinful generation pinnacle—created instability that the organization controlled. This imbalance becomes their grip on members. Many truly believing Mormons teeter between these two extremes—the special saved-latter-day feelings and the intense guilt of modern life—on edge of excitable anxieties and inadequate depression. The church plied this pressure with purpose on members.
Perhaps they had a point. Maybe she had dug the pit out of being raised with lesson after lesson infusing her with guilt for almost anything she did in life that was not canonized and correlated in priesthood executive committees. Sometimes Hope imagined eyes peering at her for every little mistake she made. Sometimes she ran away from those eyes into dark corners with drink and profane talk. Sometimes she felt the former chains so tightly wound on her, the chapel she'd escaped became like a morgue. Sometimes she lashed out at the indiscernible anger of losing her youth to lies and institutionalized greed disguised as religion. Sometimes she rubbed others the wrong way when she painfully dealt with the latent shame, the bitterness and the dread that the Mormon church had placed in her. Sometimes she screamed at learning how the so-called church had calculatingly abused her with psychological manipulations such as confirmation bias, ego-identity bias, outgroup homogeneity bias, estrangement or ostracization for leaving, and the double bind or inner tension from the dual conflict of being both special and sinful.
Especially the double bind—the special latter-day saint and most sinful generation pinnacle—created instability that the organization controlled. This imbalance becomes their grip on members. Many truly believing Mormons teeter between these two extremes—the special saved-latter-day feelings and the intense guilt of modern life—on edge of excitable anxieties and inadequate depression. The church plied this pressure with purpose on members.
Hope tried to accept this, and tried to accept the rest of humanity as a whole--all races, all genders, all orientations, all facts, and even all creeds--as having something valid--that life has many valid but diverse paths and choices which contradict the straight and narrow-minded way. The so-called love of Christ and charity was elusive to her as Mormon, and more easily grasped as an ex-member, realizing differences between people have foundation in complex levels of real life needing empathy from others. When loved ones exclude, ignore and set aside her life as "inauthentic" compared to the black and whiteness of Wasatch living, she learned to embrace the larger mass of a new family she had found in a broader community discovered when she grew more and more to leave the old petty judgment behind.
Those she met in the bigger community opened her views even more. She marveled at the vast diversity of studies, perspectives and opinions, the openness of those thoughtful people she met along the way compared with the naive stilted culture she'd escaped. She began feeling like she had found a new family, and she knew her birth family couldn't comprehend what had happened because they were still trapped victims of the cult. And yet overcoming her early programming and late-bloomed anger haunted.
Those she met in the bigger community opened her views even more. She marveled at the vast diversity of studies, perspectives and opinions, the openness of those thoughtful people she met along the way compared with the naive stilted culture she'd escaped. She began feeling like she had found a new family, and she knew her birth family couldn't comprehend what had happened because they were still trapped victims of the cult. And yet overcoming her early programming and late-bloomed anger haunted.
The Mormons like to be considered family centric,
but they seem more interested in family history and
unity centered around their distinct dogma.
No comments:
Post a Comment